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‘The Bachelorette’ 2017 Cast Bios: Superlatives For All Of Rachel Lindsay’s Scrubs — I Mean Suitors

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The Bachelorette

You’ve been so patient and so kind, and finally the reality television world is ready to reward you: bios for the men appearing on Rachel Lindsay’s season of The Bachelorette are finally here. And while I’d love to tell you that every single one of these thirty-one guys deserves Rachel’s undying love and affection, I can’t in good conscience say that. I don’t want to point any fingers, but I kind of feel like whoever was supposed to be picking out guys for the Dallas attorney might have fallen asleep at the wheel, here. You’re really gonna give us one of the most charming, beautiful, ambitious, talented, witty, intelligent, and independent Bachelorettes ever, and then set her up with a bunch of scrubs? And tell me it’s okay just because they have fancier job titles than normal? Damn ABC, that’s cold. A good job does not a non-scrub make, and you should know that by now, because you already put her through this with “software salesman” Nick Viall.

But okay, sure, fine, we all have our jobs to do. Rachel’s is to diversify a television program that’s been largely whitewashed for over thirty seasons, ABC’s is to pretend they’re not the sole reason that went down, and mine is to cut these little bitties down to size with some good, old-fashioned superlatives. AND SO I SHALL. As it was in your high school yearbook, so shall it be for these thirty-one suitors in advance of the May 22nd premiere of The Bachelorette Season 13. They’re all Most Likely To Be Undeserving Of Rachel Lindsay, but let’s see what else we got…

Alexis Rhiannon (@mindtheclam) is a freelance writer and comedian who grew up in Portland, Oregon, and is now located in New York City. Her interests include reality television, bar trivia, pop culture conspiracies, and someday cleaning her apartment. She can be seen monthly at the improvised show Live Dubbed Sitcoms at Videology in Williamsburg.

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